Even the most honest people lie when someone asks them "how are you?" Especially with people who are acquaintances at best. I mean who wants to tell someone they see once and a while the truth to that question? I guess the question itself sometimes becomes a lie because who really expects the answer to be something other than "I'm fine". For me I've been lying to myself with those two words, but lately even I cannot deny the truth. The problem is I want to be fine, I should be fine, I have to be fine, but the truth is I'm not fine. I'm angry at myself that I'm not fine. I've worked through all the steps of grief, all my anger at the situation, at other people, at God. Most days I really feel like I've moved on and I genuinely believe the lie that I am okay. I'm angry with my body and my subconscious because they will not let me forget. Insomnia, anxiety, depression for no good reason that I can come with will take over my night and I retrace the steps and conversations of my day and there I discover that something triggered my brain about the loss. What's weird about that is that whatever the trigger was I really didn't even give it a second thought throughout the day. I refused to allow it to suck me in- I've gotten really good at that. I just tell myself "really, it was over a year ago, get over it", then I feel so foolish that it should even bother me. But my subconscious won't let it go and I don't know how to fix that.
You think I should know something about that with being a counselor and all, but the truth is I don't think I ever bought into the power of the subconscious. I've spent the better part of my career as a counselor mastering Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy because it was the "in thing" to do, fix the thoughts and the behaviors and the client will be good as new. The truth is, since this is about being honest, I think I secretly doubted the effectiveness of CBT but it made for a good Medicaid progress note and with managed care that is what it's all about. What's billable. I think that CBT can be good in some situations and that there is a time and place for it in therapy, but it is not the be all end all, it can't be, it's a bandaid or anesthetic at best. So I need to apologize to all of my former clients that left my office feeling empty, I guess if there really is such a thing as Karma this is probably it. I can CBT myself all day long, that is think and act myself out of my problems all day long, but really all I did is get good at lying to myself and everyone else around me, or how we sometimes stay "stuffed it in all day". Well what happens when you stuff something in anywhere? It eventually comes back up. Then what? The worst part is I'm stuck and no amount of CBT or even prayer is helping through this.
I've gotten to the point in my prayer life when I don't even know what to pray for anymore, lately I've just been trying to pray through the Psalms, reading them aloud thinking to myself "God, I know You have a plan could You please let me on it". I sit and wonder how God even puts up with me, as if He is sitting in Heaven saying "getting over it already, there is only so long you can use that as an excuse when you're having a bad day". Or maybe its like what happened in Job and God wants to tell me off, tell me to suck it up because He is the Creator of the universe and who am I to question Him. What's worse is I have been reading the Prophets a lot lately- well I have to for school anyway, and at first I was really getting into them but now I'm starting to think that everything that has happened in the past year was because of some sort of judgment for something I did. So I start taking inventory of everything I have done that would make God angry with me and the list just keeps growing. Its not the obvious stuff, I didn't kill anyone, steal anything, commit adultery or anything like that. I just wasn't the best person I could be, I've been disrespectful to other people- not on purpose, just that I can't be on time to anything to save my life- I'm not very dependable. I was often quick to get angry. If I got offended by someone I would bash them to my husband or family or friends. I spent way too much time on the internet. I wasn't overly concerned about the poor, in fact, as I mentioned previously, I was rather ungrateful. I complained too much and was often impulsive with my words. I could probably be accused of idolatry and greed (not that I was bowing down to any other Gods, but I guess internet addiction could fall into that category). I wasn't as kind and helpful as I could have been, as one would expect someone who claims to follow Jesus should be. I know, I know- Christianity 101, I need my daily refresher course in the Gospel.
I would have never stayed awake at the Lord's request in the Garden of Gethsemane either but obviously that is okay because Jesus still loved His disciples anyway and still loves me. Oh, I'm not questionning the Lord's love for me or my salvation, rather the fact that I'm still responsible to suffer the consequences for my sins, as a murderer or thief would have to face prison. So what are the consequences for being a selfish bitch? Experiencing agonizing loss so it would seem. My mind goes to two different thoughts, one is that I know a lot of other people who are more selfish and bitchier than I am and I don't see them getting into trouble (great, now I sound like my kids) and secondly I have little doubt about my ability to change much if at all. I have been taught that I can't change, the Bible tells us that we are all wicked and vile beings that our only hope is Christ in us, so how does one get Christ to be in them? I've always just shook my head and nodded whenever someone preached on this or talked about it and felt stupid that I should wonder how this is supposed to happen, like it is some simple thing to ask Jesus to come in and take over. So I did try that ask Jesus to come into my heart and take control, yet still I was able to be a bitch that same day?!
Sorry I keep using that word but I can't think of a better one. A little off topic, but my dirty little secret is I really like that new ABC show "GCB" and every time I watch it I think "I'm probably going to go to Hell for this". But it really is funny, I mean if we can't laugh at ourselves then we really are just a bunch of Pharisees. I'm not offended by it at all, the show is not mocking God, it's just keeping it real about people and our human predicament. Ironically, sometimes there is even a Bible story wrapped up in it to shed spotlight onto how we really should treat people. If anything it helps me to think "at least I'm not that bad", of course I don't agree with everything on the show, but I can say that about anything I guess. Gotta love my tangents, right? How did I get on that subject? I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel like a prodigal child everyday of my life, yet I am still trying to put into perspective my grief with my sin and they seem like very equal but separate things, yet somehow parallel, if that even makes sense. I fear that- I know that this won't go away until I leave this earth, the one promise I cling to when it gets really bad. Just keep on plugging away until God moves.
My son and I have been reading C.S. Lewis "The Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe" and I think about toward the beginning of the story when the beaver says "Aslan is on the move" and the conditions of Narnia begin to slowly change because Aslan is on the move. I know that my conditions and circumstances will also change once God decides to move. I just keep wondering what He is waiting for? Is it something that I need to do or do I just need to wait patiently? In the meantime, I'm ashamed that I can't be a good friend to my friends who have babies, I try really hard and I really want to, but I'm struggling. Especially with my one friend who just had her first child. I am overly joyed for her because I know she has waited for a long time to have a family of her own, so I just take a deep breath and try really hard, meanwhile secretly loathing myself for my lies and the fact that I should even have anything to lie about. The words "I'm fine" should be truth, but their not...